Monday, March 16, 2009

"LOL"

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers . Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Signed,
-Management

15 comments:

jlc said...

HAHAHAH LOVE the dress code.


He def seems to have the same sense of humour as my principal. Glad you have a great work environment!!

Lucky in Love said...

Oh no...

Tasha said...

Hehehe. "Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy."

LOVE it!

The Pink Potpourri said...

that is hilarious! i was cracking up as i read that! i think i might print it out on letterhead and pass it out to the girls in my office :)

littlesack said...

BAHAHAHAHH! Hilarious, especially the bathroom part.

Lindsey said...

Hahaha! Funny!

C said...

Lol... I've read this before in an email! Love it! Just found your blog! :)

Kyla said...

That's hilarious!!

I love the bereavement part... ha :)

brooke said...

this is hilarious!

My Home - My Life said...

HAHAHAHA I got this in an email once and just died laughing - too funny!

Michele said...

Sooooo true! Although my boss is great and gives me raises whenever he can. I honestly don't know how I got so lucky...Tom is the greatest boss in the world!

Hugz,
Michele

P.S. I love your hair that length!

Jules said...

I think someone sent this as a forward to me at work once. I love it! So funny :)

The Pink Chick said...

That is too funny! I love the dress code!

...love Maegan said...

omg horrible!!! :) ...{I think you change your header like every other day ..lol ...they're all adorable too! although I think my fave was the bird with the patterns drawn in. ..and green details ..I think :)

Shea said...

LOL too funny! I loved the bathroom and lunch rules!